fading.....

i looked at myself in the mirror
looked on and on
i was looking for myself
i couldnt find my reflection
all i could see was
a scarred soul
a black heart
i could find no remorse
the brightness had faded
the life in me had faded
all i could see was
a beast
a devilish smirk
a soul gone beserk

i was feeling cold.i was dying. my heart had blackened. i had scarred my soul. i had killed myself. i had murdered myself. in my quest to discover peace and fame i sunk lower and lower. i dreamt of hittin rock-bottom. i dreamt of hittin the lowest point in life. till i realized that life was a bottomless pit. u keep falling and falling. i kept on commiting sins hoping to hit sumthing. i dint.

today i realized....what a twat ive been. i realized what goes around trully comes around. i saw those affected by me slicing my heart and hittin me square on the chest. i realized...life was never unfair to me..it was me who dint make the most of it. today i realized how to hit rock bottom. by realizing yourself. i realized myself today and felt a sickening thud directed towards my soul. i have never been right. i was always wrong. i felt sick. never in my life did i feel this way. my heart was heavy. it was pulling me down. i had no courage left in me to stand up and fight. i had lost my bout with life. i was knocked out.

i will miss those days of joy...those days in the lane..a place where i could sense the warmth touching my skin. today my instinct took me there....alone.... i felt like an alien. every step i took thundered at the back of my head. the warmth was gone. the sun above me refused to shine on me. my shadow refused to follow me. the mosquitoes who usually made a feast out of me turned their backs on me. i usually abused every bite they took....today i missed em. the grumpy old man who always glares at me did not even glance at me. eyes which never looked at me began to scan me from head 2 toe.....i felt as though i was naked....i felt as though they could see right through me. i hav finally killed myself.

there was nothing wrong left to do. i had screwed up big time. it cant get any worse.i can only move on from here. i can only look up at life. and that i will.......alone.......untill a miracle shakes things up........
i will start from scratch........now

abs v/s flabs

heartiest congrats to abhinav bindra, vinder kumar n sushil kumar! we're proud of ya!!
my facination for driving reached its epitome when i held the steerin wheel in the prescribed 10-10 position. but my fetish for speed gave my father quite a scare and he never allowed me to take the car for a spin alone. while sitting beside me he usually gave me tips on how to control the car and how to signal the horn.....only when it was necessary and not as a musical instrument. one advice he gave me really caught my attention. never switch lanes. he said avoid switchin lanes and hold ur lane as much as possible. i learnt that quite well with the car. but when you are walkin its a different issue altogether.

they say ur more of a man when ur walking down a street and force the people who are walking towards you to move out of your way (no one has really said that...its just what i think is the way it works) . i actually considered this more of an attitude problem. frankly speakin ive never thought about makin people get out of my way. all these years ive simply strafed away n let the person pass. but my dad's statement caught my mind.

i decided one fine day "raghav..you need some attitude in you...make ur presence felt!! " . ok, fair enough...abhi nahi to kabhi nahi. my inner voice told me that this was the right time to tell the world dat i have finally come to terms with the attrocities that have been commited on me.

i walkin back home from college when i saw a bundle of mass walking towards me. the devil inside told me "haha...common ragz...this is your chance...this is your day!!" i wasnt wearin my glasses so couldnt really see what i was walkin into. anyways..who cares....i wasnt gonna change my lane. HE WAS!! my CGI inspired brain started making calculations.

200mts away :-
subject :: bundle of mass
approx. wieght :: 75 kgs
height :: 4 ft
E.T.A. :: 60 seconds
LOCK TARGET??? :: AFFIRMATIVE
notes:: hah! peice of cake!! ill make this guy fly outta ma way!!

100mts away :-
subject :: larger bundle of mass
approx weight :: 75 kgs
height :: 6'2 (??!!)
E.T.A. :: 30 secs
notes :: HOLY FISH!!! that bludy bundle of mass had jus turned into a greek-goddish sculpted mass of muscle!!! n he was walkin straight towards me!! but m nt scared!! i was giving him my most menacing look! but sadly he dint notice!!

50mts away...
still walkin straight towards me.... he should have seen me by now!!! oh wait a minute!! he must have seen me!! hes jus plain scared to move out of the way!!hahha....he duznt know what hes walking into!! bludy loser!!

25mts away...
walking straight!! "what are you...blind or sumthin!!....switch lanes u idiot!!"

15 mts away....
PLEASE!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAASEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

5mts away....
i start my prayers....

IMPACT!!!!

me:: what the fish!! oooooowwwww!
he:: abbe aankhe hai ya button!!
me:: sorry boss.... i couldn hear u cumin (yuck...what on earth was that)
he:: huh?!
me:: sorry dude...by mistake!!
he:: ballz to ur mistake.....ill smash ur glasses ( maybe he got worked up coz he had his girl by his side)
me:: my now clearly shit scared inner voice told me.."WHAT!! you just ram ur iron-abs into my abdomen...on top of that u wanna bash me up!"
he:: abbe dekhta kya hai! kuch bol!!
me:: dekh boss...galti hogayi...sorry....
he:: chup bhe... tu bas ruk idhar.... (n he left my collar for one nano-second...which was enough)


i probably clocked 9.5 for the next 100 mts that i ran....as soon as i was out of his sight....i made it a point...no attitude for me...im better off with maself in one piece!!
as far as the spring goes... here i come Mr.Bolt.

a tribute to some1 special...

shes not sum1 i think about through the day.
nor is she some1 i completely ignore.
she is is someone i have secretly admired for a very long time...say 20 years..
she is not some1 who u can call the hip and happening "babe"...
she is not some1 whom u will call de nerd...
she is the newest entrant into the TATA MOTORS PVT LTD family...
...she is my life...she is my breath....she is my death...she is my strength....she is my weakness....she is my sister....

over the past few years....i have seen her going through a transition...sumthing that did her a world of good. u may go around saying that i must be the most loving brother daylight has seen...
ur very very verrrrrrrry wrong....i hate her...she snatchin away my spotlight!!! she always managed to do better than me...in every field but one..... DRIVING!! but im sure she'll be a better one someday or the other. 20 years with her have been hell. we've had wars! for the first few years i have been on the recieving end of her mammoth hands....till i grew in size n she realized dat hittin me wont be a very good idea....
we fought for silly reasons....but never locked each other in the bathroom.... but still managed 2 drive our parents crazy....
i am not shy to admit dat we haven really had our coochie-coo brotherly-sisterly times.... it still pisses me off when she tries to cuddle me as though im a friggin toy!! many people have told me that we should be like friends....like all other siblings... i always wanted 2 give them a reality check.... WE ALREADY ARE LIKE "OTHER SIBLINGS" ..... unless and until the "other siblings" are martians or from pluto or sumthin....
i have never shared stuff with her....never told her my serets.... never told her stuff dat i would like to keep away from mom.... for the simple reason that..... shes this GANDHIAN prodigy!! shes probably heard "main jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga...sach ke siva kuch nahi kahoonga" wala dialogue a milion time when she was in my mothers womb....
i mentioned the word prodigy.... dats coz right since school she has excelled.... every award function my sister had this bagfull of certificates... elocution....extempore... etc etc.... the last certificate i got was er.......ummmmmmmm.........cant remember....

academics...she was the boss..... i wasnt even remotely close to her standards...
my parents say dat i have more brains than her....they maybe right... but have never approved of it...coz sumwhr down the line, it downgrades her achievements...

she is this heart of gold...has cared for me in all my horrible times....has prayed for me.... n im sure i haven reciprocated in anyway.... which i knw is very wrong.... for the same reason.... i have always wanted 2 apologize... but never managed 2 put it in words.... trust me... it took me a lot of guts 2 type all this....
im sorry if i have hurt you....but i do love you.... more than anything in this world.... .....yeah but that duznt mean dat ill start sharin my stuff with u....so dont start dreamin abt me offerin u chocolates...i still gobble it up without sharing....

id like to end this post with a biiiiiiiiiiiiig CONGO for gettin ur job....make us proud...im sure u will.....but still...for the heck of it....

with luv...
raghav....