the aftermath

the aftermath....

it doesnt need a rocket scientist to try and analyse what this blogpost is gonna be about.
yes, its about the recent terror attacks that our beloved city of Bombay had to go through. property was damaged....lives were lost...lives were taken...lives were sacrificed.
Hieght of Audacity - thats how i'll describe this horrendous attack, not on bombay,not on India, nor on the citizens of India....but an attack on humanity as a whole. we all can go on and on about the security lapses dat our country has country has faced over the past decade and a half. we all can go on and on about the sacrifices dat were made over the years and lakhs of innocent human lives lost to terror. n we may never find an end to all of this. we may always face the "risk" - as the IRDA has now termed it as...of a bomb exploding in our train or a plane crashing on our heads or armed maniacs crossing national boundries as though they were crossing garden fences.
but these attacks have been instrumental in doing 1 good thing for a change. gradually awakening a sleeping giant.
the recent attacks on few of the most famous landmarks in Bombay, brought about a change in the way people were looking at de Indian political scene , terrorism and secularism.
what could have been brushed under the carpet became a nationwide cause for a full-fledged rebellion against the system and the people who were running the show. finally the police force which was usually mocked at, became the pearl of every Indian's eye.for years we have blamed our security forces for not being efficient without considering the fact that they are running errands for us with tied-up hands. hands that have been tied up by corrupt politicians.
now, im a sucker when it comes to politics. but i do know for a fact that India is the largest DEMOCRACY in the world. and as far as my knowledge goes a democracy is based on 9 words which go like this "of the people, by the people, for the people"
for ages we have been watchin politicians slug it out in the lok sabha, at election rallies and taking pot-shots at de opposite camp. i personally always believed dat our so called leaders were good people and deserved a chance to prove themselves. but recently a few statements by some idiotic, ridiculous and erratic personalities boiled my blood.
Mr.Naqvi said dat women wearin makeup and a pair of jeans were the ones behind the conspiracy. no hard feelings but all the offence meant and straight from my heart....sir....were u drunk when u made such a statement??? what on planet earth were you thinking when u made such a stupid statement whcih had me atleast in splits for almost two hours at a stretch. on a more serious note...mr.naqvi....jus watch it....ur not the only one around who can make racist comments....we are Indians too and we are pretty good at being racists too!
mr.achut-watever-i dont care...... you had de B**** to insult the family of a national hero. here's my reply to u.... id rather let a dog pee inside my house rahter than let u anywhere near it. id rather be bitten by a sick dog than have the honour of speakin to you. u look like a criminal who should have been hanged to death as soon as you were born and u have the audacity to turn up at Sandeep's place and offer your politically inclined condolences. maybe u were thinkin that de nation was miffed at sandeep's dad for throwin u out of his crib and made such a statement jus to invite sum support. ill tell u what u invited.....our wrath. u rubbed against our worng side and dun be surprised if ur never elected in ur life again. consider voluntary retirement A"chyut**"nadan....
mr. R.R. Patil....ur first comment surprised me....ur second comment dat ur hindi language is a bit too weak for comfort made me laugh. maybe blurtin out a SRK dialogue(badi badi shehron mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain) wasnt such a good idea afterall...that too at a time like this...n before u knew it...u were chucked out.
mr.deshmukh - sorry sir u got it all wrong this time....maybe u dint get the message from all the uproar ur collegues caused before sayin dat u did no wrong by inviting ur son and dat ass-of-a-director RGV for the tour...what exactly did u think it was?? a picnic??

that was my message coz i dint get an opportunity to come on tv and voice my opinions...but i do have a few ideas which our leaders can consider...if they'd like to...

1)now we citizens have the right to elect the candidate of our choice rite?? why not give us the right to "select" those people whom we would like to see standing for the election...as in...a shortlisting of candidates...
2) when we do elect a person....arrange for a mid-term performance appraisal programme where we citizens decide whether our elected candidate has done a satisfactory job. if hes clean..he stays...but if his hands are dirty we show him the door. this will keep the bum on his feet coz he'll knw at de back of his head dat if he fails he'll be chucked out for good.
3)now this one is point-blank silly...history exams for our so called leaders...lets see what they knw about India and its century old heritage which they boast of during their rallies. if not India's languages...are u listening mr.patil???

some people might object to my ideas by sayin that all these things are impossible. let me tell u what impossible is.... hijackin american planes and ramming them into the WTC...dats impossible...but osama did it dint he??
hijackin a trawler and sailin all the way to india frm pakistan and holdin a metropolitan hostage for 60 hours...dats impossible....but a 4th-grade dropout and his bunch of loosers were able to do it. why cant we citizens do our bit to ensure dat we get good people to lead us. we can do it... we have woken up now. and i would like to thank Qasav and his merry men for waking up a country dat was sleeping for the last 15 years. i have full faith in my country and my appeal to the nation is, lets not divide ourselves on the basis of religion and classes. lets fight a common enemy.
UP IN ARMS INDIA!!!
oh n yeah...i would also like to thank a certain raj for nt showin up....

sensex n the stupid opposite sex

i got up on dassera morning with the anxiousness of the financial markets looming large over my head. somehow the current state of the foreign markets worried me 2 no limits. my placements which were about 6 months away from now had a lot to do with it. j.p. morgan had very conviniently converted itself from its regula investment activities thereby putting me in a spot of worry. never have i been so concerned about the markets. i have never cared whether nifty fell or sensex rose. if dowjones crumbled or nasdaq did well. but today it all mattered. i could see my career goin down with each fallin point.i picked up the newspaper hopng to see some good news. nope...no luck....indian markets fall below 10500. i heard the RBI governer say on NDTV that indian banks were safe despite all that was happening world over. and since they also hiked the CRR....i could actually trust him. i looked at de bottom of the page....26 killed in j&k blast. okay nothin new in that. rekha turns 54 tomorrow. okay lady...happy birthday. naturally depressed with the sad state of affairs i turned to my friend for some peace.....which i normally get from her everytime i speak 2 her. baaton baaton mein my mind drifted away to this article by a certain wierd ass (vir das with an american accent). it was about staying single in bombay.
okay so bombay is this big city n all....the city thats got a great night life and all that stuff. but come on....why make a big deal about stayin single in bombay??? there are thousands of men who are single over here...some by choice...n some without any choice.on any other day i would have burnt that sheet of paper but since this article was by vir das(a person whos got the class required to be a stand up comedian.) i decided to give it a read. it wasnt really an article....it was jus the pros and cons of staying single in bombay. let me tell you....its not our fault that we guys are single in bombay. we dont like 2 be single. we like to have some1 in our life too. and we DO prefer commitment. ofcourse there are a few moles in the society. but as i said...its not our fault. what can we do if girls freak out when we ask them out. its like we've offered to murder them or something like that.i remember playing this prank on a girl in my school. i asked her out with de cheesiest of pickups. she screamed loud enough to get me booked for harrasment. n loud enough to make me nervous. and the worst part was ,she wouldnt believe that it was a bluff. okay....so maybe i wasnt really good looking in those days...and im not sayin that im a showstopper now.....but still... look better than those zee horror show zombies atleast.
recently i was with my friends at a local hookah lounge and this female comes up.
SHE : HI!! HOW ARE YA!! LONG TIME EH!!
HE : OH HEY! YEAH LONG TIME! (OKAY I DO ADMIT...WE GUYS DO GET A BIT EXCITED WHEN A FEMALE SHOWS UP AND MAKES THE FIRST MOVE 2 SPEAK.....BUT THATS COZ ITZ REALLY RARE THAT A FEMALE MAKES THE FIRST MOVE)
SHE : SO YOU ARE WITH UR FRNDS NA...I WONT DISTURB YA....IM AT DE TABLE IN THE CORNER....JOIN US IF U LIKE....
HE : UMMM WOULD LOVE TO BUT WE'RE LEAVIN NOW (SHIT!! CANT I ORDER JUS 1 MORE DISH)
SHE : OH OK....Y DONT U INTRODUCE ME TO UR PALS!!
HE : SURE....( BOY DO I LOVE THESE FIDGETY TYPES!!!)
SHE : NAAH...ILL DO IT MYSELF.....HI....IM -----....RAGZ CONSIDERS ME AS HIS SISTER.
THUD!!! CLANG!! THUD!!! THUD!!!! BOOM!!!!!!
THAT VERY MOMENT THE WORLD CAME CRASHING DOWN ON ME.BITCH DID IT ON PURPOSE. WHAT ON EARTH DOES SHE MEAN "CONSIDERS"?? AS IF THE WORD "SISTER" WASNT CRAPPY ENOUGH!!! I NEVER CONSIDERED YOU AS MY SISTER LADY...I CANT HELP IT IF U CONSIDER URSELF AS MY SISTER. ANYWAYS...THAT WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME THE ASS OF THE DAY.
i mean....WHAT IS IT WITH THESE GIRLS!! y do they have to freak out when we ask them out for a cup of coffee or a movie. we're not askin u to marry us...are we? and as it is...we guys have specific tastes.....we dont ask anyone and everyone.....
atleast we have the guts to say no if we dont like u. n not the usual.."ur really nice....i would love to...but this is not the time....cant we just stay as frnds??" yeah right!!! thats y i asked u out!!! idiots!!!
anyways...by the looks of it....stayin single aint so bad at all....
i broke up with ma girl quite a few days back. it was a bit odd for de first few days...but after a while u feel liberated.....its like the leash is off ur neck. all of a sudden....ur bank balance shows a positive amount....u start saving a lot of cash..... the beer inflow increases!!! u start gettin time for ur friends....which i feel is much more beautiful than having a gf. and u can start flirtin too. and after flirting...theres every possible chance that ull fall in love all over again...n yeah....all those people wo think u can love only once...burn them alive...
u can always look at that cute female waitin for de bus at de bus stop....n say.....oh yeah...shes the one!!!

fading.....

i looked at myself in the mirror
looked on and on
i was looking for myself
i couldnt find my reflection
all i could see was
a scarred soul
a black heart
i could find no remorse
the brightness had faded
the life in me had faded
all i could see was
a beast
a devilish smirk
a soul gone beserk

i was feeling cold.i was dying. my heart had blackened. i had scarred my soul. i had killed myself. i had murdered myself. in my quest to discover peace and fame i sunk lower and lower. i dreamt of hittin rock-bottom. i dreamt of hittin the lowest point in life. till i realized that life was a bottomless pit. u keep falling and falling. i kept on commiting sins hoping to hit sumthing. i dint.

today i realized....what a twat ive been. i realized what goes around trully comes around. i saw those affected by me slicing my heart and hittin me square on the chest. i realized...life was never unfair to me..it was me who dint make the most of it. today i realized how to hit rock bottom. by realizing yourself. i realized myself today and felt a sickening thud directed towards my soul. i have never been right. i was always wrong. i felt sick. never in my life did i feel this way. my heart was heavy. it was pulling me down. i had no courage left in me to stand up and fight. i had lost my bout with life. i was knocked out.

i will miss those days of joy...those days in the lane..a place where i could sense the warmth touching my skin. today my instinct took me there....alone.... i felt like an alien. every step i took thundered at the back of my head. the warmth was gone. the sun above me refused to shine on me. my shadow refused to follow me. the mosquitoes who usually made a feast out of me turned their backs on me. i usually abused every bite they took....today i missed em. the grumpy old man who always glares at me did not even glance at me. eyes which never looked at me began to scan me from head 2 toe.....i felt as though i was naked....i felt as though they could see right through me. i hav finally killed myself.

there was nothing wrong left to do. i had screwed up big time. it cant get any worse.i can only move on from here. i can only look up at life. and that i will.......alone.......untill a miracle shakes things up........
i will start from scratch........now

abs v/s flabs

heartiest congrats to abhinav bindra, vinder kumar n sushil kumar! we're proud of ya!!
my facination for driving reached its epitome when i held the steerin wheel in the prescribed 10-10 position. but my fetish for speed gave my father quite a scare and he never allowed me to take the car for a spin alone. while sitting beside me he usually gave me tips on how to control the car and how to signal the horn.....only when it was necessary and not as a musical instrument. one advice he gave me really caught my attention. never switch lanes. he said avoid switchin lanes and hold ur lane as much as possible. i learnt that quite well with the car. but when you are walkin its a different issue altogether.

they say ur more of a man when ur walking down a street and force the people who are walking towards you to move out of your way (no one has really said that...its just what i think is the way it works) . i actually considered this more of an attitude problem. frankly speakin ive never thought about makin people get out of my way. all these years ive simply strafed away n let the person pass. but my dad's statement caught my mind.

i decided one fine day "raghav..you need some attitude in you...make ur presence felt!! " . ok, fair enough...abhi nahi to kabhi nahi. my inner voice told me that this was the right time to tell the world dat i have finally come to terms with the attrocities that have been commited on me.

i walkin back home from college when i saw a bundle of mass walking towards me. the devil inside told me "haha...common ragz...this is your chance...this is your day!!" i wasnt wearin my glasses so couldnt really see what i was walkin into. anyways..who cares....i wasnt gonna change my lane. HE WAS!! my CGI inspired brain started making calculations.

200mts away :-
subject :: bundle of mass
approx. wieght :: 75 kgs
height :: 4 ft
E.T.A. :: 60 seconds
LOCK TARGET??? :: AFFIRMATIVE
notes:: hah! peice of cake!! ill make this guy fly outta ma way!!

100mts away :-
subject :: larger bundle of mass
approx weight :: 75 kgs
height :: 6'2 (??!!)
E.T.A. :: 30 secs
notes :: HOLY FISH!!! that bludy bundle of mass had jus turned into a greek-goddish sculpted mass of muscle!!! n he was walkin straight towards me!! but m nt scared!! i was giving him my most menacing look! but sadly he dint notice!!

50mts away...
still walkin straight towards me.... he should have seen me by now!!! oh wait a minute!! he must have seen me!! hes jus plain scared to move out of the way!!hahha....he duznt know what hes walking into!! bludy loser!!

25mts away...
walking straight!! "what are you...blind or sumthin!!....switch lanes u idiot!!"

15 mts away....
PLEASE!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAASEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

5mts away....
i start my prayers....

IMPACT!!!!

me:: what the fish!! oooooowwwww!
he:: abbe aankhe hai ya button!!
me:: sorry boss.... i couldn hear u cumin (yuck...what on earth was that)
he:: huh?!
me:: sorry dude...by mistake!!
he:: ballz to ur mistake.....ill smash ur glasses ( maybe he got worked up coz he had his girl by his side)
me:: my now clearly shit scared inner voice told me.."WHAT!! you just ram ur iron-abs into my abdomen...on top of that u wanna bash me up!"
he:: abbe dekhta kya hai! kuch bol!!
me:: dekh boss...galti hogayi...sorry....
he:: chup bhe... tu bas ruk idhar.... (n he left my collar for one nano-second...which was enough)


i probably clocked 9.5 for the next 100 mts that i ran....as soon as i was out of his sight....i made it a point...no attitude for me...im better off with maself in one piece!!
as far as the spring goes... here i come Mr.Bolt.

a tribute to some1 special...

shes not sum1 i think about through the day.
nor is she some1 i completely ignore.
she is is someone i have secretly admired for a very long time...say 20 years..
she is not some1 who u can call the hip and happening "babe"...
she is not some1 whom u will call de nerd...
she is the newest entrant into the TATA MOTORS PVT LTD family...
...she is my life...she is my breath....she is my death...she is my strength....she is my weakness....she is my sister....

over the past few years....i have seen her going through a transition...sumthing that did her a world of good. u may go around saying that i must be the most loving brother daylight has seen...
ur very very verrrrrrrry wrong....i hate her...she snatchin away my spotlight!!! she always managed to do better than me...in every field but one..... DRIVING!! but im sure she'll be a better one someday or the other. 20 years with her have been hell. we've had wars! for the first few years i have been on the recieving end of her mammoth hands....till i grew in size n she realized dat hittin me wont be a very good idea....
we fought for silly reasons....but never locked each other in the bathroom.... but still managed 2 drive our parents crazy....
i am not shy to admit dat we haven really had our coochie-coo brotherly-sisterly times.... it still pisses me off when she tries to cuddle me as though im a friggin toy!! many people have told me that we should be like friends....like all other siblings... i always wanted 2 give them a reality check.... WE ALREADY ARE LIKE "OTHER SIBLINGS" ..... unless and until the "other siblings" are martians or from pluto or sumthin....
i have never shared stuff with her....never told her my serets.... never told her stuff dat i would like to keep away from mom.... for the simple reason that..... shes this GANDHIAN prodigy!! shes probably heard "main jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga...sach ke siva kuch nahi kahoonga" wala dialogue a milion time when she was in my mothers womb....
i mentioned the word prodigy.... dats coz right since school she has excelled.... every award function my sister had this bagfull of certificates... elocution....extempore... etc etc.... the last certificate i got was er.......ummmmmmmm.........cant remember....

academics...she was the boss..... i wasnt even remotely close to her standards...
my parents say dat i have more brains than her....they maybe right... but have never approved of it...coz sumwhr down the line, it downgrades her achievements...

she is this heart of gold...has cared for me in all my horrible times....has prayed for me.... n im sure i haven reciprocated in anyway.... which i knw is very wrong.... for the same reason.... i have always wanted 2 apologize... but never managed 2 put it in words.... trust me... it took me a lot of guts 2 type all this....
im sorry if i have hurt you....but i do love you.... more than anything in this world.... .....yeah but that duznt mean dat ill start sharin my stuff with u....so dont start dreamin abt me offerin u chocolates...i still gobble it up without sharing....

id like to end this post with a biiiiiiiiiiiiig CONGO for gettin ur job....make us proud...im sure u will.....but still...for the heck of it....

with luv...
raghav....

parliament bytes.....

for a change, let me discuss a serious issue for once. i was watchin the parliament session yesterday. it was " V-DAY ". the trust vote day for the upa led govt. it was amazing to see that the lok sabha was at full strength yesterday. finding an empty seat was like finding a pin in a stack of hay. so what if we had selfish reasons?? atleast they all came along!!
anyways, i surprised myself when i was able to identify most of the mp's and most of the people frm the opposition by their names and not their attires and accents. manmohan singh, shivraj patil, our dear old lalu, rahul gandhi, sharad pawar , govinda (!?!?!), navjot singh siddhu, pappu yadav,vk malhotra. i could actually place them.
now quite frankly....i wasnt really keen on watchin this. i was taking a nap when it al started. trust me with ur life on this....if ravan had to shake kumbkaran off his slumber...all he had to do was set up a parliament session right inside his ears!! IT WAS ABSOLUTE MAYHEM!!! people from one side...screamin at the people on the other side...it was gettin difficult to decide as to who was supportin whom. spare a thought for good old Somnath Chatterjee....he mus be cursin his stars as to why he dint quit the seat when he had the chance! . till date in his tenure....he was screamin at a people which consited of maybe only a little more dan the required quorum. here he was shoutin at full strength!!! kudoz old man!!! uve won my respect!! i can imagine him behind the safe walls of his house right now...probably enjoyin a quite dinner...without any mp springin up with another "grave" issue... dude....ill sponsor for the aspirins if u want...i really will.
there were certain things that caught my attention in the session. one of them was Rahul Gandhi's speech. something told me that his speech was gonna be something monumental. somthing that would shake things up a bit. if only it could start!!! poor guy had to face sum flak barely after he had started speakin. infact so much flak dat de lok sabha had to adjourned. when he finally did start...he delivered. i was happy to see someone like him on my screen blurtin out words like a machine gun. his speech actually made me think dat...ok this guy can lead my country. many people might oppose me. but thats what i felt. he might not be really well conversant in his hindi...but thats fine. but he was shit nervous!!! so nervous dat he mixed up mrs. kala and mrs mayavati into one mrs kalawati!!!but thats fine again...wad mattered was de speech...a monumental one as promised. i may have missed omar abdullah's speech...hu seemed to be all fired up. heck!! who wasnt!!??!?
by now was sick n tired of all de commotion...i swear...had i been in chatterjee's chair....i wuld have hired bouncers!! but who listens to me anyways...
i really needed a break frm dat noise....but my granddad was hell bent on seein who wuld win. but god finally did listen to me. he sent an angel to my rescue. his name was LALU PRASAD YADAV. trust me with ur life again.... the lok sabha...all of a sudden....had turned into "the great indian comedy show" set ..... i dont think he left a single opposition leader alone. he took leisure in throwin crap at each n evryone of em. the agression dat rahul lacked....lalu delivered... he was hilarious!! ofcourse...he spoke abt evrythin except the N-Deal...but i dun think anyone really bothered!! manmohan singh...sonia gandhi...sharad pwar...somnath chattergee......all were in splits!! so i culdnt really complain to anyone!!
i must say....this "experience"...if i can call it....has really opened my eyes an ears to indian politics...
even though chaotic....it was atleast better dan the session dat are help by the japanese govts.... they practice kung-fu n other such stuff if they get pissed....atleast we restrict ourselves to tables...chairs....n our trusty chappals!!

no NEWS is sometimes good NEWS......

i am running out of ideas....
running out of ideas to post on my blog....
its probably become a "cob"-website by now.....
im running out of words just like news reporters are running out of news....

i was reading the paper with my dad the other day..n he reads out loud...

"rani mukherjee's NRI frnd's uncle robbed!!!".....
i was like..."ok pops...how do u knw...?? "
"its here on the first page!!" he says as though HE was rani mukherjee's - nri frnds - uncle .....
i started wondering if i knew any celeb
the closest i came 2 was vidya balan hu had come to a wedding in my familia....strange thoughts started darting my mind...."if i get robbed...will i make it to the first page??"
it took a 100 decible scream frm my dad for me to snap out of my front page ambitions...
but still...the kind of news people come up with...its appalling to say the least.
its all about fame i tell ya...its all about fame....if u have an ass that is as famous as any other celeb....u can be assured of instant fame...

Rakhi "yuck" sawant was once in the news big time coz of her "puppy" with mika singh.... now both these guys were in dire need of attention....the WORLD knows what happened on mika's happywala budday party....
see?? thats wad i mean.....i bet even george bush knws dat rakhi sawant cried foul....
rakhi sawant breaks up with boyfrnd...now i dun knw whether if ive got my facts write...but this "boyfrnd" was her bro when she got her famous puppy....yeah he was de same guy hu was standin behind sawant when she was screamin her lungs out on national television....
n then this "boyfrnd" becums a star....shows his dancing skills on a reality show.... n gets himself a name... abhishek"i was there"awasthi....

i cant tell you how badly i wanna be known as a celeb's relative...even if it means i have to be the celeb's uncle's daughters brother's best friend's sister's best friend's uncle's nephew's son!!! cant tell u....

neways....where were we??? yeah....news channels....
a certain India TV seems to belive that the ordinary middle class "junta" has no other job other dan watchin deir outdated...overexagerated... dumb n senseless news...here are a few of the best...i mean worst....
***BREAKING NEWS*** >>> BOY GETS BITTEN BY A DOG....DOG RECUPERATING IN THE HOSPITAL
***BREAKING NEWS*** # 2 >>>BOY PULLS LEAVES OUT OF HIS EARS....i bet hes gaya's son....
***BREAKING NEWS*** # 3 >>> RAKHI SAWANT SLAPS ABHISHEK!!! SPECIAL LIVE REPORTING!!!
***BREAKING NEWS*** # 4 >>> SAI BABA "APPEARS" IIN GENEVA...huh??
***BREAKING NEWS*** # 5 >>> ZAMEEN PHATT RAHI HAI....INDIA TV KE PAAS HAI LIVE VIDEO!! yea rite!!! youtube zindabaad!!!
***BREAKING NEWS*** # 6 >>> BOY DUZNT LIKE TEACHERS POETRY...GETZ BEATEN UP!!!

i mean....dats wads showed on tv these days....
i sumhow bumped into "Ask The SEXPERT" in mumbai mirror one day... minors...please dont read de following few lines....
yea so..this Ask the Sexpert is this column by this hopelessly jobless and depressed soul who feeds upon the sad stories of other people's sex lives......sum questions manage to put u off for the entire week...first of all....dats one cheezy name for a column....i mean...what duz he want to potray himself as?? a sex-crazy maniac?? SEXPERT??? cummon man...couldnt u hav found urself a better name??? and all u guys who actually write to this guy....what on earth were u thinking?!?!?!....ill tell u sumthin...ask ur gf or ur wife the question...they will give u a better answer....gosh!! for christs sake!!!

this is a sincere request to news channels!! stop giving birth to new news channels till the time u have some real NEWS!!! please....thanks.....in the mean time ill try to find out what Rani mukherjee's - nri frnd's - uncle got robbed off....what was it??? his underwear??? his toilet paper??? WHAT WAS IT?!?!?!?!? I WANNA KNOW!!!!